“I want to work with kids in a way that is compassionate and connected, but HOW do I do that?”
Twenty-four hours after I posted my first ever blog post it had reached more people than I will meet in my lifetime. I first experienced that awareness as an increased heartrate, tingling on my face and hands, and short and shallow breathing… I was excited! Almost immediately after that I noticed a knot in my stomach and a tightness in the middle of my chest…I was also fearful.
I used my tool of “feeling my feelings” and asked myself what was behind that fear. The answer was “I will never write that well again.”
It is quite possible that is true.
So I needed a tool to help myself feel better, after I allowed myself to feel that feeling. I used the steps of self-compassion to lead myself through speaking kindly to myself by saying things like “It is hard to feel like there is pressure to perform!” and ”It’s ok to be nervous”. And then I reminded myself of common humanity by recognizing that most people feel pressure to perform and also feel nervous about being judged by their work. I’m not alone in those feelings; they connect me to most everyone else in the world, because we all feel that way sometimes.
Those steps of self compassion (awareness, speaking kindly, and common humanity)* helped me to regulate. When I was regulated and present in the moment I could ask myself if it was true that to be successful I needed to write endless blogs that are widely shared. And luckily, I could access my own personal belief that my job is just to do the next right thing.
So here I am. Answering the next question that everyone is asking me now:
“I want to work with kids in a way that is compassionate and connected, but HOW do I do that?”
I’m not going to lie. The list of skills, concepts, and practices that are helpful is long. At the same time, you already have the most important tool: yourself.
You are your best tool for helping a child to regulate and learn adaptive behaviors.
For some of us, learning a few new tools and strategies can be helpful. The first tool I’m going to recommend is self-compassion. I may have lost some of you already because you came here to find out what you are supposed to actually DO with the child in front of you.
I get it.
And I’m going to tell you that behind the emotion you are feeling right now is a thought that you have an opportunity to explore.
Where do you notice sensations in your body when you feel that emotion? Does your stomach get tight, or do you clench your fists? Maybe your breath gets shallow, or you want to yell. Or maybe you zone out and don’t have a lot of awareness of your body sensations when you get dysregulated. Those are all normal reactions! It is our brain and body’s way of keeping us safe by fighting, fleeing, or shutting down. Our bodies do those things automatically to protect us.
If you pause, breathe, and tune into those body sensations, what do they want you to know? Maybe your tight stomach is saying, “I don’t know enough to do this work,” or your clenched fists are saying, “This OT doesn’t know what she’s talking about!” There’s no right or wrong answer. It is just our opportunity to be aware of our own thoughts. That’s the first step of self-compassion: mindful awareness.
The next step of self-compassion is to speak kindly to yourself. The best way to figure out how to do that is to imagine that you are talking to a dear friend. Would you say, “You are a worthless therapist/parent because you don’t know all the answers”? Would you say, “You aren’t good enough because you can’t make this child behave”? Most of us wouldn’t talk that way to a good friend, but we often speak that way to ourselves.
Instead, say to yourself something like,” It is hard not to have all the answers,” or “I know that I am doing the best I can with what I know.” That is speaking to yourself kindly.
The last step is finding common humanity. When we can identify our underlying thoughts and beliefs, we can practice being aware of the fact that everyone in the world has felt those uncomfortable feelings at some point in their life. In a room of therapists at a recent training I asked, “Who has ever felt like they aren’t good enough?” Every hand went up. Then I asked, “Who here has ever felt like they are ‘too much’?” Again, every hand went up. And then there were smiles of relief. We have all felt this way before and it is what ties us together, rather than separating us from each other. That is common humanity.
That might all sound a bit fluffy. You came here for answers, right?! How is self-compassion going to help?? For now, you will have to take my word for it. Or go read Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff to learn more about how research is showing that increasing self-compassion is more effective than improving self esteem, using punishment, or engaging in self criticism.
Being a connected, compassionate human is the work of a lifetime. Be gentle with yourself by practicing self-compassion.
If this tool doesn’t resonate with you, that’s fine too. I will be offering more tools in future posts and one of them might be a better starting point for where you are in your journey right now. I trust you to know what the “next right thing” is for you.
Resources:
To take a quiz to test your own self compassion visit: https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/
Loving Kindness Meditation link for building self-compassion: Click here
*Kristin Neff, PhD and Self Compassion researcher defines self-compassion as having 3 elements:
Mindful Awareness
Speaking to yourself kindly
Common Humanity